Sex Talk Realness: Cheating
How old are you? Woman: 23. Man: 25.
Are you single or in a relationship? Woman:In a relationship. Man: In a relationship.
Have you ever cheated? Woman: Yes. Man: I have. Quite frequently in the first two years of my relationship, but not at all for four years now. That sounds like an admission someone would make in AA or something, but I suppose I’m proud of it.
Have you cheated on the person you’re with now? Woman: No. Man: Yes.
Have you cheated more than once? Woman:Yes. Man: I’ve cheated on my girlfriend with four women, I think. Again, all within a relatively short span of time. And then I started to realize that being that insensitive to your partner has its consequences.
How many partners have you cheated on?Woman: One partner, but, in a years-spanning saga of self-destructive shit-head behavior, I cheated on him with two different people. Man: Just my current girlfriend.
How long had you been with your partner when you cheated on them? Woman: We had been together for three years the first time I cheated. In the following year, we broke up and got back together, and then I cheated again a year and a half later. Man: I first cheated on my girlfriend after we’d been together four months. We were long-distance at the time, so there was zero chance of getting caught. Cheating in a vacuum like that isolated the guilt I felt over the situation, which was helpful in understanding it because I wasn’t concerned with coming up with lies or sneaking around.
What do you consider cheating? Woman: In a serious relationship, I consider a kiss cheating, although the rare, drunk, girl-on-girl "HEY, KATY PERRY IS ON" kiss is the apparent exception to the rule, according to every guy I have ever dated. Also, I haven't done this, but I kind of think sexting alone qualifies as cheating, too. Man: I consider anything past smooching to be cheating, but that’s sort of a meaningless metric. Drunken mistakes are made and when you’re young, mistakes are valuable, even in relationships. On the other hand, non-physical relationships can be romantic and just as damaging as sleeping around. I think a healthy couple can understand the difference between a mistake and cheating, no matter how far they’ve technically gone in “cheating.”
What was the extent of the cheating (date, emotional cheating, making out, sex once, sex repeatedly, etc.)? Woman: Making out, sex twice — with both. Man: I had sex once with three women. A couple encounters with another person. And I was seeing one woman for about two months before we called it off.
How long did it go on? Woman: I guess technically five months the first time, although I definitely wasn't messing around for five months straight. We hooked up a few times in that time period. The second time, it only went on for a few days before I came to my senses and broke things off with my then-boyfriend for good. Man: I cheated intermittently for two years. I found that after making that initial transgression, it was easier and easier to cross that line again to cheat. And, somewhat perversely, it made me love my girlfriend more. Creating a situation in which our relationship was in danger made me appreciate her more, made me not take her for granted. But, again, crossing a moral line once makes it easy to cross it again in the future.
How did you meet the person you cheated with? Woman: I was friends with both guys; we'd met in school. Man: At school, which is a lot similar to meeting them at a job. In an environment where we could interact professionally and get close without breaching any boundaries.
Did your partner ever suspect anything?Woman: No. Man: I think partners always suspect something when one is philandering. Even in a long-distance relationship, you can feel when there’s been some tectonic shift. The best liars will still leave ripples in their relationship that will throw the couple’s intimacy out of whack. Something in their character will have changed, even if it can’t be articulated. I was never caught outright, but it’s understood that I mistreated my girlfriend in the past, even if she doesn’t know the details.
Did you feel happy when you were with the Other Person? Woman: Never happy — maybe a little smug the first time, a little excited the second time, but I actually don't remember feeling much at all when I cheated. I think I was running on adrenaline. Man: I did feel happy. What’s strange is that the actual act doesn’t make you feel guilty. The guilt comes afterwards — that even though you understand the gravity of the wrongdoing, you still fantasize about doing it again. That’s when you feel like a scumbag.
Did you ever consider just breaking up with your current partner? Woman: Yes, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. It was a really codependent relationship. Man: Sure. But not so I could be with the other person. The fact that I was cheating on her was an effect of other, deeper problems in our relationship.
Did the Other Person want you to? Woman:Yes, both. Man: No. That was never articulated.
Have you ever left someone for the Other Person? Woman: Not really the first time, although we did keep hooking up after I broke things off with my ex for a few months. I did leave my ex for the second guy. Man:Nope.
If so, how did that relationship go? Woman:We've been dating for three years. I wouldn't recommend starting a relationship the way we did, but it did force us to lay our cards on the table. What we have now is very honest and real, and I'm grateful for that. We talk about our feelings and problems, so I can't imagine cheating on him.
Describe the feeling of cheating on someone for the first time. Woman: Electrifying and numbing. My brain was off. Man: It's thrilling, then lonely.
Why do you think you cheated? Woman: Not that this excuses anything, but I can see now that I was extremely depressed both times I cheated. My relationship definitely wasn't in a great place — like, when all of this went down, my ex was failing miserably at being there for me when I needed him and just generally showing up. But my brain was also just turning on me, as it is wont to do every now and then, and I hadn't developed any healthy coping mechanisms to fall back on. I actually think that, if I hadn't cheated, I might have developed a drinking problem or a drug problem or something. Like, I was getting high and numb off these encounters. Man: I think monogamy’s a tall order. But we comply with it because it’s the most consistent means of maintaining love between a couple. I cheated because I was insensitive to this and because I was insensitive to my girlfriend.
Were you more attracted to the Other Person than you were to your partner? Woman: My ex is actually really hot, so not even. I did like that they both paid attention to me. Man: I was attracted to what was different. It was never a question of more or less attractive.
Did your partner ever find out? Woman: I told him both times, although I lied about the extent of the cheating. Man: In an argument, I admitted that I’d cheated on her. She was hurt, but forgave me. We took a break from each other. Later on, she cheated on me. That was also very painful, but we took another break and we recovered. Neither of us have ever walked in on the other cheating.
How? Woman: Once in person, when we were talking about getting back together after we broke up the first time. The second time, I told him over the phone; we were doing the long-distance thing in college. Man: She asked what was different, why weren’t we working anymore? And there was no reason to lie about it and worsen our situation. It was better just to come out with it and work through the problems, which we eventually did.
What was their response? Woman: He was pretty understanding the first time — a few months had passed since we'd been together, and he was invested in working things out. The second time, he was understandably livid, but it passed pretty quickly, because he didn't want to break up. (Like I said, codependent.) We did, anyway, and it was definitely for the best. Man: Her response was at first shock. But then she began putting the pieces together and the frazzled state of our relationship began to make sense to her. And then I think she felt duped, betrayed, maybe felt stupid. I only say that because that’s how I felt when she told me that she’d cheated on me. I felt dumb for not seeing it earlier, feeling the difference in her. For months afterward, there’s a lack of trust. Even if there’s a renewed commitment, it takes months for the other person to come to terms with the cheating. It colors their perception of every late night out with your friends, every accidental glance at a stranger.
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