Most of us are not trained to look at fear as a helpful thing, but fear actually flags awareness about what truly matters to us. Imagine fear as a giant boulder marking the spot where the treasure is buried. Underneath the fear of public speaking is the desire to be accepted. Underneath the fear of dying is likely the love of life or health.
This is really important to look at because if we only know the fear that exists, we can only honor the fear through our behavior. Fear-motivated behavior is not usually based in wisdom and forethought. Therefore, when we honor the fear instead of the treasure, we risk creating the very thing we are trying to avoid. The problem then becomes our behavior.
Let me give you an example: If someone is afraid that her partner is going to cheat on her, the treasure that is hiding underneath that fear is that she cherishes their loving, monogamous relationship.
If she aligns her behavior with her fear, she’s likely to be snoopy, suspicious, distrusting, possessive, withdrawn, anxious, depressed, and sarcastic, to name a few. These behaviors are not likely to bode well for the harmony in the relationship and may actually encourage the husband to withdrawal.
If, instead, she aligns her behavior with her target of creating a healthy, harmonious relationship, she is likely to be more loving, understanding, intimate, clear, fun, and trusting. These behaviors are likely to encourage a deeper, more intimate relationship with her partner.
When a fear moves beyond the “fantasized experience” into a more probable or actual scenario, it turns from fear into a call to action; it becomes time to do something differently. Then, the inquiry becomes, “What do I need to do?” Action either annihilates the fear or manages the situation fueling the fear.